So. I was supposed to get weight loss surgery but after meeting with the surgeon, Im told I cannot. I had a severe blood clot during a pregnancy so the surgery is too high risk.p
Looks like I need to do this the old fashioned way. Ya. The way that has failed me for years. If I could purchase will power, I would. I have none.
I am at my highest weight at the lowest point in my life. I should be looking forward to a wedding. Instead, I look for reasons to postpone it. I am terrified of the way I will look in my pictures. I dont like that he wont be able to carry me thru the doorway. I dont like that my children are gaining weight as well.
This surgery was going to be a great tool for me to get started but its gone. I am desperate for some energy and results. Feeling like shit tonight.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Epic fail.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
He proposed!
This weekend, my family and I went to the beach. I hate going to the beach. Its full of people wearing swimsuits that actually look good on them! And somehow, they all effortlessly look amazing after sitting in the hot sun, battling the wind and going in the water.
I am not one of those people! My swimsuit contains me like a natural casing on a sausage! I feel like Im ready to bust thru the seams of it each time I wear it because I refuse to shop for another one. If your overweight, you probably understand how mortifying it is to go into a store and attempt to find something that looks decent, especially swimwear.
So anyways, I looked terrible. My hair was a mess and I had no makeup on. This particular beach is our favorite spot to visit in the summer so I just tried to enjoy myself. I had my boyfriend, two of my children and one of their friends with me. As we prepared to leave, I asked my guy if he wanted to jump in the water. He then asked me if I was ready to jump in and got down on one knee. I couldn't help but get nervous and ask him if he was serious. Of course I said yes!
This man has loved me at my highest weight. He watched me put the pounds on. And at that moment, I felt like I was the most beautiful and adored women alive. He wrapped his arms around me and I just smiled. He did the most beautiful thing when I was the most vulnerable.
Two days later, I am staring at my ring as I type this and thinking about what I have said for months now. If he proposed to me, I needed to be serious about dieting and exercise, regardless if I decided surgical intervention was what I needed. Sitting beside me is a large iced coffee and two plain donuts. I seriously have no willpower. I do not want to get married and look like a giant hot air balloon in a light colored gown! I need to find some motivation and strength.
A wedding, my cholesterol and the fact that Im pre-diabetic because of my obesity should be enough to get me moving but Im having such a hard time. Hopefully in the days ahead, I can put a fire under my ass and make some changes. I want to love the way I look and right now I hate it. But I have a gorgeous ring ;)
I am not one of those people! My swimsuit contains me like a natural casing on a sausage! I feel like Im ready to bust thru the seams of it each time I wear it because I refuse to shop for another one. If your overweight, you probably understand how mortifying it is to go into a store and attempt to find something that looks decent, especially swimwear.
So anyways, I looked terrible. My hair was a mess and I had no makeup on. This particular beach is our favorite spot to visit in the summer so I just tried to enjoy myself. I had my boyfriend, two of my children and one of their friends with me. As we prepared to leave, I asked my guy if he wanted to jump in the water. He then asked me if I was ready to jump in and got down on one knee. I couldn't help but get nervous and ask him if he was serious. Of course I said yes!
This man has loved me at my highest weight. He watched me put the pounds on. And at that moment, I felt like I was the most beautiful and adored women alive. He wrapped his arms around me and I just smiled. He did the most beautiful thing when I was the most vulnerable.
Two days later, I am staring at my ring as I type this and thinking about what I have said for months now. If he proposed to me, I needed to be serious about dieting and exercise, regardless if I decided surgical intervention was what I needed. Sitting beside me is a large iced coffee and two plain donuts. I seriously have no willpower. I do not want to get married and look like a giant hot air balloon in a light colored gown! I need to find some motivation and strength.
A wedding, my cholesterol and the fact that Im pre-diabetic because of my obesity should be enough to get me moving but Im having such a hard time. Hopefully in the days ahead, I can put a fire under my ass and make some changes. I want to love the way I look and right now I hate it. But I have a gorgeous ring ;)
Saturday, July 6, 2013
My story. How I got here.
My entire life I have been overweight. No. Obese. Starting in junior high, I started gaining. It wasnt anything crazy, but enough to be the bigger girl. In high school, I became pregnant and the pounds packed on. Taking care of a child, going to high school and working made it easy to avoid finding time to exercise.
Fast forward a few years later, another child, and a failed relationship, I finally started dropping some weight. The man I was with had a family obsessed with walking on a treadmill and drinking Slim-Fast. I hopped on the bandwagon knowing we had a trip to Disney World planned. I wanted to enjoy the way I looked in those pictures. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, drank the shakes three times a day instead of twice and walked countless miles until we left for Florida.
Our trip came and went. I loved the pictures. I wasnt the fat girl in the background. That relationship came crashing down. I started drinking a lot and lived alone with my kids. My neighbor in the lower apartment became my best friend. We spent our nights smoking butts and our weekends going dancing. I was down to a juniors size 9. I could wear boys tshirts and little girls plus size pants fit me. I loved it. But I was a mess inside. I was so tired and alone. My nights were lonely. I was setting a horrible example for my children.
I met a man. Six months after we met, we were engaged, six months later we were married. Things moved fast. The first sign that I was losing control was the fact that I had to exchange my wedding gown. I found an amazing dress. It was affordable, classic and the one. Two weeks prior to my wedding, I tried it on. It was too small. We couldnt zip it. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I had to go back to the salon and settle for another gown off the rack that was not one that I LOVED, just because it fit. Talk about humiliation.
I became pregnant with my last child. The weight kept adding up. We started a business. We were very well off. I could go to the store, go out to eat, order takeout, basically do anything I wanted, anytime. It was easier to take everyone to chinese than to pull something out of the freezer and cook it. My weight skyrocketed. Sadly, my childrens did also.
The marriage was rocky to say the least. The stress of my three children and a stepson plus running a business and a husband that was never around took its toll. I had an affair. Food was my comfort zone. I ate all the negativity. The bad feelings I created for myself. We got a divorce.
My children hated me, my brothers disowned me. I had to move in with my parents. I had nothing. Rock bottom. For the first time, I couldnt eat. I felt like I didnt even deserve to be alive. I dropped 30 pounds the month we went to court. I felt sick to my stomach. I cried all the time. I would binge at night when everyone would sleep. The rest of the day, I drank water.
To my surprise, I found love again. Real love. True, unconditional love. Food was a beautiful thing again. We moved in. Myself and the kids. I cooked for him. He adored the home cooked meals and the baked goods I would make. We both started gaining weight. The kids also. Family dinners were amazing, they still are.
I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I live in an area that makes it hard to encourage walking. Everything is far so I have to drive all the time. When I was in town, I walked a lot. To the park, to the store. Everywhere. Now I cant. I go to Newport and get McDs all the time. I get DD, General Tsos chicken, pizza and more. I am addicted to food. I love it. Nothing feels better than sitting on my ass, watching some good tv and eating something delicious.
My son became active in sports and dropped quite a few pounds. He loves to be active now. My daughter and I are the opposite. It scares me that I am negatively impacting her life.
I had a physical with all the bloodwork done a few months ago. For the first time in my life, I have elevated cholesterol and am prediabetic. My family history of heart disease, kidney failure and diabetes does not fit into this puzzle nicely. I cannot die. I cannot leave my children. I have to make some big decisions soon or Im going to die from weight related illnesses. I refuse to let that happen. And so my journey to find a surgical intervention to help me battle my weight begins.
Fast forward a few years later, another child, and a failed relationship, I finally started dropping some weight. The man I was with had a family obsessed with walking on a treadmill and drinking Slim-Fast. I hopped on the bandwagon knowing we had a trip to Disney World planned. I wanted to enjoy the way I looked in those pictures. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, drank the shakes three times a day instead of twice and walked countless miles until we left for Florida.
Our trip came and went. I loved the pictures. I wasnt the fat girl in the background. That relationship came crashing down. I started drinking a lot and lived alone with my kids. My neighbor in the lower apartment became my best friend. We spent our nights smoking butts and our weekends going dancing. I was down to a juniors size 9. I could wear boys tshirts and little girls plus size pants fit me. I loved it. But I was a mess inside. I was so tired and alone. My nights were lonely. I was setting a horrible example for my children.
I met a man. Six months after we met, we were engaged, six months later we were married. Things moved fast. The first sign that I was losing control was the fact that I had to exchange my wedding gown. I found an amazing dress. It was affordable, classic and the one. Two weeks prior to my wedding, I tried it on. It was too small. We couldnt zip it. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I had to go back to the salon and settle for another gown off the rack that was not one that I LOVED, just because it fit. Talk about humiliation.
I became pregnant with my last child. The weight kept adding up. We started a business. We were very well off. I could go to the store, go out to eat, order takeout, basically do anything I wanted, anytime. It was easier to take everyone to chinese than to pull something out of the freezer and cook it. My weight skyrocketed. Sadly, my childrens did also.
The marriage was rocky to say the least. The stress of my three children and a stepson plus running a business and a husband that was never around took its toll. I had an affair. Food was my comfort zone. I ate all the negativity. The bad feelings I created for myself. We got a divorce.
My children hated me, my brothers disowned me. I had to move in with my parents. I had nothing. Rock bottom. For the first time, I couldnt eat. I felt like I didnt even deserve to be alive. I dropped 30 pounds the month we went to court. I felt sick to my stomach. I cried all the time. I would binge at night when everyone would sleep. The rest of the day, I drank water.
To my surprise, I found love again. Real love. True, unconditional love. Food was a beautiful thing again. We moved in. Myself and the kids. I cooked for him. He adored the home cooked meals and the baked goods I would make. We both started gaining weight. The kids also. Family dinners were amazing, they still are.
I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I live in an area that makes it hard to encourage walking. Everything is far so I have to drive all the time. When I was in town, I walked a lot. To the park, to the store. Everywhere. Now I cant. I go to Newport and get McDs all the time. I get DD, General Tsos chicken, pizza and more. I am addicted to food. I love it. Nothing feels better than sitting on my ass, watching some good tv and eating something delicious.
My son became active in sports and dropped quite a few pounds. He loves to be active now. My daughter and I are the opposite. It scares me that I am negatively impacting her life.
I had a physical with all the bloodwork done a few months ago. For the first time in my life, I have elevated cholesterol and am prediabetic. My family history of heart disease, kidney failure and diabetes does not fit into this puzzle nicely. I cannot die. I cannot leave my children. I have to make some big decisions soon or Im going to die from weight related illnesses. I refuse to let that happen. And so my journey to find a surgical intervention to help me battle my weight begins.
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