My entire life I have been overweight. No. Obese. Starting in junior high, I started gaining. It wasnt anything crazy, but enough to be the bigger girl. In high school, I became pregnant and the pounds packed on. Taking care of a child, going to high school and working made it easy to avoid finding time to exercise.
Fast forward a few years later, another child, and a failed relationship, I finally started dropping some weight. The man I was with had a family obsessed with walking on a treadmill and drinking Slim-Fast. I hopped on the bandwagon knowing we had a trip to Disney World planned. I wanted to enjoy the way I looked in those pictures. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, drank the shakes three times a day instead of twice and walked countless miles until we left for Florida.
Our trip came and went. I loved the pictures. I wasnt the fat girl in the background. That relationship came crashing down. I started drinking a lot and lived alone with my kids. My neighbor in the lower apartment became my best friend. We spent our nights smoking butts and our weekends going dancing. I was down to a juniors size 9. I could wear boys tshirts and little girls plus size pants fit me. I loved it. But I was a mess inside. I was so tired and alone. My nights were lonely. I was setting a horrible example for my children.
I met a man. Six months after we met, we were engaged, six months later we were married. Things moved fast. The first sign that I was losing control was the fact that I had to exchange my wedding gown. I found an amazing dress. It was affordable, classic and the one. Two weeks prior to my wedding, I tried it on. It was too small. We couldnt zip it. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I had to go back to the salon and settle for another gown off the rack that was not one that I LOVED, just because it fit. Talk about humiliation.
I became pregnant with my last child. The weight kept adding up. We started a business. We were very well off. I could go to the store, go out to eat, order takeout, basically do anything I wanted, anytime. It was easier to take everyone to chinese than to pull something out of the freezer and cook it. My weight skyrocketed. Sadly, my childrens did also.
The marriage was rocky to say the least. The stress of my three children and a stepson plus running a business and a husband that was never around took its toll. I had an affair. Food was my comfort zone. I ate all the negativity. The bad feelings I created for myself. We got a divorce.
My children hated me, my brothers disowned me. I had to move in with my parents. I had nothing. Rock bottom. For the first time, I couldnt eat. I felt like I didnt even deserve to be alive. I dropped 30 pounds the month we went to court. I felt sick to my stomach. I cried all the time. I would binge at night when everyone would sleep. The rest of the day, I drank water.
To my surprise, I found love again. Real love. True, unconditional love. Food was a beautiful thing again. We moved in. Myself and the kids. I cooked for him. He adored the home cooked meals and the baked goods I would make. We both started gaining weight. The kids also. Family dinners were amazing, they still are.
I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I live in an area that makes it hard to encourage walking. Everything is far so I have to drive all the time. When I was in town, I walked a lot. To the park, to the store. Everywhere. Now I cant. I go to Newport and get McDs all the time. I get DD, General Tsos chicken, pizza and more. I am addicted to food. I love it. Nothing feels better than sitting on my ass, watching some good tv and eating something delicious.
My son became active in sports and dropped quite a few pounds. He loves to be active now. My daughter and I are the opposite. It scares me that I am negatively impacting her life.
I had a physical with all the bloodwork done a few months ago. For the first time in my life, I have elevated cholesterol and am prediabetic. My family history of heart disease, kidney failure and diabetes does not fit into this puzzle nicely. I cannot die. I cannot leave my children. I have to make some big decisions soon or Im going to die from weight related illnesses. I refuse to let that happen. And so my journey to find a surgical intervention to help me battle my weight begins.
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